


never enough

by bashbabe



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types
Genre: Also they're both girls, Alternate Universe, F/F, Genderswap, Inspired by The Greatest Showman (2017), Race is an opera singer, Spot is an acrobat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 09:31:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15838494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bashbabe/pseuds/bashbabe
Summary: Somehow, they had managed to convince themselves that they could work out. An ex servant girl with nothing but her acrobatic ability and a rich girl whose dresses were worth more than Spot's life. Except in their world, two females together could get them both killed.Or, a Newsies The Greatest Showman AU in which Spot and Race are both girls, for some reason.





	never enough

She looked ethereal. The white of her dress shone in the spotlights, the lace flowers at the neckline brushing her collarbones every time she took a breath. Her curly black hair had been left down, the only adornment a pair of white flowers pinning her bangs back. Her makeup was flawless; her already long eyelashes made even longer, her cheekbones perfectly sculpted, and her eyeshadow bringing out her brown eyes. But the best thing about her look was the deep red lipstick painted on her lips. 

Spot wanted to kiss it all off.

Toni looked like a princess, and she might as well have been one with all the attention she was getting from the world. She had been invited to every party, every wedding, every show; and that was before Jack had met her at a gala and subsequently booked her a year-long tour. Antoinette Higgins,  _ Uccello Canoro _ , was not an Italian opera  _ star.  _ She was an Italian opera  _ goddess.  _ But Antoinette Higgins was not the person Spot knew.

Spot knew Toni Higgins, the girl who, amid the chaos of her life in the spotlight, had made her way to Spot from across the room, just so she could say hello. Spot knew Race, the girl who loved to cook because it reminded her of home. Race, who would eat all her fancy chocolates backstage while dressed in drab white shirts and men’s trousers. Race, who would play pranks on everyone and drag Spot to be her accomplice; she remembered how they ran through the hallways, laughing, after they had locked Dutchy and Specs in a closet together.

Race, who had initiated their first kiss behind the curtains of the first show she was signing in.

Somehow, they had managed to convince themselves that they could work out. An ex servant girl with nothing but her acrobatic ability, which was good for nothing but for being in a freak-show, and a rich girl whose dresses were worth more than Spot’s life. Even beyond the glaring class differences (which would be a problem no matter  _ what  _ gender they were), they both were females. And in their world, two females together could get them both killed.  _ Especially  _ two females who couldn’t be more different.

Spot was the first one to realize how badly their relationship (could they even call it that?) could end. Race was still stuck in the glow of being in the spotlight, believing that she couldn’t be touched. When she grabbed Spot’s hand after a show one night, in front of all those  _ people,  _ Spot jumped back as if she had been burned. Sure, they could pass such a gesture off as platonic, it was something that upper-class women did while shopping all the time, but there were  _ photographers,  _ and  _ reporters,  _ and so many people against them. It wasn’t safe, it would never be safe. They could never be accepted beyond their circle. And their circle was a band of  _ freaks.  _

Later that night, they had an argument about it. Race had walked in while Spot was practicing, and when Spot saw her - the girl she fell in love with in trousers and old undershirts, not the queen Race turned into every night - she almost didn’t want it to end. But she knew what could happen. The protesters were getting more violent, and their privacy was at an all-time low with all the rats they had milling around. If they got caught, they could get killed.  _ Race  _ could get killed. Spot could deal with it if it was only her life in the balance, but she wasn’t about to make Race pay for it.  

And so Spot suggested they end their relationship. 

“What- What do you mean?” Race was at a loss. Here was the girl she gave everything to, the girl she would give up everything for, the girl she  _ loved,  _ cutting her off like she was nothing. 

“This. This- whatever this is. Sneaking around, being together,  _ whatever  _ we are. We can’t, Toni, there’s too much at stake.” It hurt Spot as much as it hurt Race, but she wouldn’t -  _ couldn’t - _ let Toni get hurt because of her. She guessed it was like what her mom always said - at least, what Bridges said their mom had always said - sometimes, you had to hurt the person you loved to protect them. Spot was only trying to protect her. Race  _ had  _ to know that.

But all she did was look angry. “Are you kidding me, Spot? You’re just- just cutting me off like that? I- I don’t even know how to respond to that. You’ve  _ got  _ to be kidding.” Her arms came to cross in front of her chest, and she huffed. “And I thought what we had was real.” 

Spot lit up like a firecracker on the Fourth of July. “You don’t think I feel terrible about this? Guess what, I don’t want to do this either.” She took a step closer to Race, pointing an accusing finger at her. “I  _ hate  _ that I have to do this. News flash, Toni, you’re not the only one getting hurt by this.”

Race scoffed. “Yeah, right. You know what, Spot? You’re just like all of those other boys, giving me some bullshit excuse so you don’t hurt my feelings. Well guess what? It’s not working.” She took another step towards Spot, angry tears glimmering in her eyes.

Spot closed her eyes and shook her head sharply. “You act like I’m doing this for my own reasons. You act like I have a choice.” She was fighting back her own tears at this point. She couldn’t even look Race in the eye. Why couldn’t she understand that Spot was just trying to protect her?

This response just seemed to anger Race even more. “But you  _ do!  _ You do have a choice! But no, you’re cutting me off like I’m  _ nothing _ to you!” She took a step forward with every cutting remark. She and Spot were almost nose to nose now. “I bet you just thought I was easy, didn’t you? Something you could play around with until you got sick of me. A good lay, that’s all?” Her tears had finally spilled over and were running down her cheeks, but that didn’t turn her emotion to anything but anger.

Spot shook her head over and over, fighting even harder to keep the tears welling up in her eyes at bay. “No, god. No, no, that’s  _ not  _ it,” she spoke through gritted teeth. A few lone tears slipped down her cheeks. They didn’t go unnoticed by Race.

“Yeah? Then  _ why,  _ Spot? Why did you act like I meant something to you, and now you’re pushing me away?” Spot just kept shaking her head. “ _ Why,  _ Spot?” They were nose to nose now, and Race could feel the uneven breaths coming from Spot trying to keep it under control.

“Dammit, Toni, it’s because I love you!” She let out a sob. Spot looked up to look Race in the eye, and said softly, “I love you, and I’m not letting you get hurt.” Race let out a sob of her own and pulled Spot’s chin up so she could connect their lips together. 

“God, I love you too,” she said when they finally pulled away from one another. Spot shook her head.

“That’s why we can’t do this anymore. If we’re caught, we’re screwed.” She thumbed at Race’s cheek with a shaky breath. In almost a whisper, she added, “They’d kill us both.” Race nodded. She knew that there was no choice but to agree. She let out a sigh of surrender, and both of them knew that she was giving up.

She smiled against Spot’s lips. “I still love you. I’ll still love you. More than anything.” Spot nodded. 

“Me too.” And then, Race had pulled her in for a kiss they knew would be their last.

 

* * *

And here Spot was, two months later, still loving her like she had then. 

She knew it was hopeless to wish for their relationship back. They were both in the spotlight more than they had ever been now, and Race’s tours were selling out like crazy. If they did try to see each other again, they would most definitely be caught. And it’s not like they never saw each other. They still hung out backstage, ate fancy chocolates, and played pranks on everyone else. It just wasn’t the same as it had been.

And Spot knew that they both had all the money they could ever want. They had first-class rides in train cars. They had adoring fans, little girls claiming that they wanted to be just like them. They had big houses and fancy dresses and fancy jewelry. Race would never have to live off of her parent’s money ever again. Spot would never see another job as a servant girl. In any other circumstance, her life would have been satisfied.

Spot had everything she ever wanted, except Race.

And she knew that was the most important part. Because no matter how many people came to see the shows, how many cheers she heard after she was done performing, how much fame she got; all she would ever want was Race. All the money, all the jewelry, all the dresses would never be enough - for either of them.

And so, as she stood listening to the song Race had written for her, she allowed herself to lose herself in the song. At least they still had each other. She was still able to watch Race perform, and she was still able to perform with her. It just would never go back to how they were before. And that was okay, but it wasn’t enough.

Race looked at her from the stage, and smiled. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was slightly alluded to with a drawing of Race I posted on tumblr (@spottieconlon) and then decided to turn into a fic. this was the product of watching the greatest showman, falling in love with it, and then having a dream that race was a female opera singer. don't ask me.
> 
> i'm also thinking about turning this into a series? maybe? what do you all think? (if i did, i would write a chapter about jack as p.t. barnum and davey as his spouse and then another chapter about spot and race finally getting back together and staying together like they're supposed to.) tell me what you want from me.
> 
> anyway, don't forget to give kudos and comment if you liked it, because i'm a slut for validation and love <3


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